I have a confession…

I have a confession. It’s time I was honest with you

Posting this goes against everything I thought I should do as a personal trainer.

We’re here to be motivational and inspirational, to admit that we’re not perfect surely shows weakness?

I have the fear of being honest but it’s time to face it.

I’ve sat down to write this post a few times. In fact my lack of blog activity has been due to my battle between wanting to post this and not wanting to post this at the same time.

Let’s recap a bit.

I’m six and a half stone lighter now than I was at my heaviest.
I lost that before I came to the fitness industry.

I was tired of being fat
Tired of not being able to buy clothes in the high street
Of not being able to wear anything that my friends did
And the thigh chafing… It’s grim but it happened.

 

I wanted to live up to my true potential because I knew I could be fitter and happier and healthier.

My weight loss started from a positive place and I felt amazing afterwards. I wanted to learn everything I could so I could help other people.

This is where my official story ends.

 

But I’ve missed out a pretty essential part of it.

 

This is the truth…

 

Since entering the fitness industry I’ve lost and gained and lost the same 14lbs because where I expected to find answers, I found something else.

I’ve spoken about disordered eating and over training before, what I’ve never been truly honest about is that this took part when I was a fitness instructor.

 

The face of the health and fitness industry is the lean, toned, defined, sculpted bodies that we’re told we should all desire.

And why wouldn’t we desire them? People look great!

These are the people that represented my industry and I felt I should look like them.

I didn’t.

 

But for those of us who don’t look that way, it’s ok, because the clean eating movement has taken to the Internet and we have access to the methods that will help us.

 

Eat low carb high fat
Put some butter in your coffee
Eat clean
Do some HIIT training
Try fasting

All ways to force your body into change.

 

My confession…?

In the past seven years I have fought with disordered eating, binge restriction cycles and over training all because I thought that in order to do my job well…

…I had to be thinner.

 

I would walk into classes and glance at myself in the mirror, wondering if I was fit enough to be there

I would tell people what I did for a living and wait for their reaction to see if they were judging my weight

I’d make sure to say to people ‘I’ve lost some weight, still got some to go though‘ as if making excuses for being a size 14 would clear up any disbelief that I was a fit pro.

 

And it’s amazing how easy it is to have an eating disorder in the fitness industry.

 

Teaching 30 classes a week?
It’s not unhealthy, it’s my job

Going low carb?
It’s not unhealthy, don’t you know it’s essential for fat loss? (Not true by the way)

Skipping meals?
It’s intermittent fasting, actually

Orthorexia?
No, it Paleo.

 

And far from being something that is discouraged, this type of behaviour around eating and exercise is deemed ‘normal’.

 

I put my body through hell
I worked and worked and worked
I followed bulletproof, low carb, keto, primal, clean eating and intermittent fasting

 

I became anaemic
I developed a dairy intolerance
My b12 levels are still low
I am still currently on adrenal supplements
I couldn’t sleep a full night uninterrupted
I had anxiety attacks
I lost my period for 3 months

And my impressive weight loss? 7lbs.

 

I raged at my body for not giving up the extra fat.

 

I was exhausted
I would wake up at 3am with palpitations
I was so anxious around food
I braved ice baths because it was the only thing that stopped my legs from hurting from too much exercise.

 

It wasn’t until I sat on the sofa one Wednesday afternoon after having to call in sick to work, physically shaking from weakness and crying from tiredness that I realised this had to stop.

 

I did the unthinkable and ate some carbs.
I rested.
I slept.

 

And I realised that I would NEVER advise anyone to do what I was doing.

If a client came to me, exhausted and as run down as I was, I’d send them to the doctor, not to the gym.

It might seem bizarre that I’d be able to recognise an eating disorder in someone else and not in myself but thats how it was.

 

Why am I telling you this?

 

Because this is all too common and it needs to stop.

We’re encouraged by the diet industry and supplement companies to hinge our happiness on the perceived ideal body

and anyone can be swept up in this negativity.

 

When I was a size 24 I would’ve KILLED to be a size 14, but somehow when I entered the fitness industry I didn’t think that was thin enough.

Weight loss did make me happy, but only when I focused on my own personal health.

As soon as I spent my time comparing myself to what I thought I should be, I wasn’t just miserable, I was unsuccessful.

 

We’re encouraged to look at other people for our fitness inspiration, to look and think

“I’d love to have her legs”
“Her abs are brilliant”
“I want shoulders like that”

 

And while theres nothing wrong with wanting to change your body, as soon as you find yourself focused on looking like someone else, you’re losing yourself.

 

That’s not to say that achieving a ripped toned body can’t be done without the negativity I’m taking about. If you feel amazing and your body transformation is coming from a positive place that’s amazing, you’ve found the holy grail.

 

But if you look in the mirror and pick out your faults
If you agonise over how many grams of broccoli you’re allowed to eat
If you drag your heavy, sore legs into the gym for another workout because you HAVE to go

then it’s time to take a step back and ask yourself this question:

 

Am I happy?

 

Because if you’re not happy and if you can’t focus on anything else other than the scales, the callipers or the measuring tape then it’s time to have a sit down with yourself.

 

Can you live the rest of your life like you are now?
Can you workout like you are now, forever?
Can you eat like you are now, forever?

If the answer is no then I urge you to re-evaluate your plan.

 

Because, take it from me, if you think that you’re training this way or eating this way until you’re happy with how you look – that day will never come.

You’ll be chasing a smaller size and a lower weight forever.

 

What should we do instead?

How about looking in the mirror and finding things we love rather than things we loathe?

How about appreciating the fitness we have rather than beating ourselves up for not being stronger/faster/fitter?

^^^ This is the kind of fitness I want to promote.

 

My job as a personal trainer isn’t to look like a fitness model and inspire people to look like me. <<<< but this is what I believed

 

My job is to empower my clients and help them to become stronger, happier, more confident versions of themselves.

To encourage them to love who they are now, instead of turning their self image into one of disgust or disappointment.

 

Self confidence is not a four letter word.

Its the base from which you must work.

 

The truth is:

We are worthy of happiness.
We are worthy of love.
We are worthy of a long, enjoyable life regardless of how we look.

 

So,

tonight before going to sleep, take a look in the mirror.
Find three things that you like about yourself.
Any 3 things.
Say them out loud.

And do this every day.

Because your happiness is the most important thing in this world.

 

Over a year later I’m still recovering from my over training, I’m working with another professional to oversee my recovery.

each week I make progress
and
each week I face setbacks.

 

But I’m going to stop hiding from my fears and living a life I think I  *should* be.

I choose to be happy.

 

I encourage you to do the same.

 

Ainzlie xx

 

P.s – If you’re worried that you’re suffering from an eating disorder, I encourage you to seek professional help. You can also find information on the B-eat website. Don’t face this alone.

P.p.s – if you’re looking for a safe exercise plan to follow that focuses on making you stronger instead of tearing you down, let’s have a chat and work out a plan that works for you.